I present to you a 100% fake spoilers list of what will
occur in the recently announced Jurassic Park 4 film. If you follow my posts or simply have the
misfortune of knowing me personally (har har) you will know what the Jurassic
Park franchise means to me. It’s no
doubt if I had to be any other creature in this world of ours we call Earth I’d
be a velociraptor. You might be thinking
why I would create such a harsh set of events to occur in the fourth
installment though, well again if you know me than you know I have tendencies
to try hard to be humorous. I fail at
times but I succeed often enough to be deemed, dare I say, funny. I laughed myself stupid, if that’s possible,
typing out these ridiculous scenarios. Are
they the most creative possibilities imaginable? I’d answer a quick no. I’m not the only creative mind on this Earth
and I implore you to add some of your own below because I love a good poke of
fun at the things you otherwise think are untouchable. Those books, shows, or moments in your life
that you feel to be sacred but have always wanted to slip the tongue and wonder
why a script was once made for raptors to be trained to fire automatic machine
guns. I answer to that – why not make
the velociraptors zombies as well or the overly popular vampire velociraptors. Enjoy the post and please don’t drink soda
while you read unless you like the burning sensation of it through your nose.
John Hammond as a
cyborg – What we didn’t know was Mr. Hammond recovered Robert Muldoon’s
dead lifeless hand and teased pursuing velociraptors with it as they escaped in
a jeep at the end of the original film.
Hammond was seen with his body still intact but that was added with
computer effects as the scene was cut due to the disgusting nature of it. Imagine if you will Hammond leaning outside
the jeep feeding the velociraptors like it was Jaws or something. Steven Spielberg declined comment.
Dr. Grant as a foul mouthed alcoholic – After his last venture to a
dinosaur infested island Dr. Grant receives publicity but not the kind he
thought he might get. The media, as it
often does, spun the series of prehistoric events Grant has been troubled with
as a desperate cry for funding for his digging.
Nobody would support his paleontology anymore and accused him crazier
than Ian Malcolm. After learning that he
hit the bottle hard and ultimately was involved in the disappearance of Billy
(you know, his right hand man from JP3).
It was never proven Billy was murdered but Grant was quoted as saying, “If
a pteranodon (the flying dinosaur for the commoner) can’t kill him then what
makes you think I could?”
Dr. Malcolm, the gay elementary school teacher
– He has a catastrophic meltdown as chaos theory is proven to be a hoax for its
inherent nature of destroying the notion that complex ideals will collapse on
themselves. It is later proven that
dinosaurs are responsible for that which leads Dr. Malcolm to pursue the
opposite direction for his life. He
abandons mathematics, black and gray cloths, humor and his own natural sexual
preference to become a homosexual art teacher in a public elementary
school. Instead of solving math
equations he decides to join a profession (art) where there is no wrong way to
perform it, burns his black and gray clothing in exchange for anything showing
the colors of the rainbow and ditches humor for a mere lisp.
Vince Vaughn being lasered to death by velociraptors with "friggin
lasers on their heads" – Nick Van Owen (Vince Vaughn) is back and
ready to get the big moment he was robbed of in Jurassic Park the Lost
World. He reportedly wanted his chance
to photograph a velociraptor in the flesh but was held against his will to flee
for his life on a helicopter. Now the velociraptors
are back and have laser mounted guns on top of their heads and have him in
their sights. Escape is impossible but
he does get one photograph of them before he meets his fate that turns out to
be later stolen by Roland and sold for millions. Roland was caught up with in Europe as
saying, “The bastard stole my bullets when I was hunting the tyrannosaur, one
good turn deserves another.”
Tim & Lex discover John Hammond is their father – The reality
hits them when, after so many years, that pursuing knowledge of dinosaurs can’t
be stopped. Tim and Lex find themselves
burying themselves in books to learn anything dinosaur. The worst began to occur when they started to
prefer tropical climates and living outside scavenging for food. It was later revealed at InGen that they are
clones of the original Tim and Lex (with traces of Hammond’s DNA) who were
killed in a horrific car crash in their toddler years. Hammond took their DNA and blended it with
dinosaur DNA thus bringing them back to life.
The result is as maturity progresses they are discovering they are more
and more dinosaur then they originally thought.
Tim first discovered that when browsing in a pet store he shot a venomous
spit from his mouth to hit an unsuspecting animal. The last reports of them are only that they
were last seen on a boat headed toward Las
Cinco Muertes (the five deaths).
William H. Macy reveals he is Ned Flanders – How this relates to
Jurassic Park is by technicality only.
Paul Kirby (Macy) notices he resembles a certain animated cartoon
character and wishes to know the truth once and for all. He goes to all sorts of genetic laboratories
across the country until he arrives at one owned by Hammond. He discovered the shocking news that he was
originally a cartoon character named Ned Flanders and was successfully genetically
transferred into reality. He believes it
to be true since he has no memory prior to Jurassic Park 3 but only in dreams
of saying, “Okilee-dokiely.”
Dennis Nedry comes
back to life as a zombie – This shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone
considering all the zombie/vampire flicks out there in recent years. Dennis Nedry, only partially eaten by the dilophosaurus
but nonetheless dead, reanimates to life as the embryos he stole somehow enter
his body causing unexpected results. He
is captured by scientists and eats Mr. Ludlow (Hammond's nephew for you lax JP
fans) in a horrific experiment gone terribly awry. Ludlow was only partially digested by the
baby rex and found alive in rancid condition on the deck of the ship that transported
the adult rex and baby rex back to the islands.
Nedry broke free of the lab and remains on the loose.
Rex sits on a toilet while the spinosaurus
eats him off of it – The baby rex from The Lost World, who irritated us all
with that terrible cry, is reaching the potty training years. One night as a torrential downpour is ‘happening’ it locates a toilet to
relieve itself. The baby rex limps
slowly while dragging its leg. As the
baby rex enjoys the comfort of mankind’s modern plumbing system the ferocious spinosaurus,
upon smelling the defecation of the baby rex’s stool, get’s an easy meal. This twist of fortune for the rex family
should come as no surprise considering M. Night Shyamalan will be indeed
directing his first Jurassic film.
Robert Muldoon obtains a dragonball – Muldoon returns from the
afterlife upon attaining the magnificent crystal ball that resurrects
anybody. I’m not sure how a dragonball
works but Muldoon deserves a second chance.
He returns in the flesh to blow the crap out of zombie Nedry and end his
horrible existence once and for all. He
then sets off to hunt down the beast in this treacherous world that managed to
best him, the velociraptor. How clever
he has become will be the only question left to be answered.
Free for all – Dr. Sattler, Sarah Harding and Amanda Kirby (Tea
Leoni) have a three way death match proving who the most worthless female
character in the franchise. The battle
rages as Sattler uses the prehistoric venom of plants to blind her adversaries,
Harding insists she correctly fixed the baby rex’s leg and Kirby simply runs
around screaming while flailing her arms.
It’s a critical moment in the film you will have to see to believe.
Nick Van Owens detailed demise - After being lasered to death by velociraptors
Vince Vaughn gets trampled by stampeding triceratops then picked up by pteranodons
to be feed to their babies while the scraps are eaten by lowly procompsognathus (compy’s
to the commoner) beneath the high standing pteranodon nest. Do you accuse me of not being an admirer of
Vince Vaughn? Well if that’s what you
were thinking than I’m glad I made it so obvious.
Mr. Arnold (Sam Jackson, again for you lax
peoples out there) reemerges – Arnold was never dead in that bunker he was
last seen in, although he does have one arm missing. His anger and rage are directed at Muldoon who
he doesn’t know died but is back to life anyway to have a final showdown with him
for not escorting him safely to the shed in the first place. Arnold never finds Muldoon but finds himself
in a similar situation Muldoon was in against the velociraptors. Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t think they’re
clever girls but rather, “You %$*& @#$% piece #@$@ snakes *#(#$* ahhhhhhh!” Muldoon then shot the unsuspecting velociraptor
in the back of the head completing his vengeance.
The finale consists
of the island being over-run with this apparent disastrous turn of events
mentioned above leaving everyone horribly dead except for Dr. Grant since
nobody bribed him to come to the island for a 3rd time - he lives a miserable
50 more years as the oldest drunk ever recorded in the history of mankind.
The true question is why even bother with a fourth film after
so long a time period. I’d rather see a
fresh take on it with a new plot and characters for the new generation of
viewers. It was a solid trilogy in its
time but I can’t see where a fourth would lead us. It’s been many a failed script these last ten
years and if they couldn’t continue the story by now then it probably won’t
work out. Sometimes an audience
demanding a sequel isn’t the correct motivation to make one unless money is
involved but even then you could start over.
A few links to other Jurassic Park articles I've wrote including, movie reviews.
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